The Temporal Prime Directive
by Iceworth
Summary: Q decides to mess with Kathryn Janeway's timeline, and gets more than he bargained for. Rated for language. One shot.


"You're not Santa."

Q frowned, turning around. "Why, Kathy darling, hello!"

The girl at the doorway crossed her arms. "I don't know who you are, or how you know my name," she said. "But you're not Santa."

Q stared at her incredulously. A santa hat spilled over one of his eyes, and he was dressed in red and white, with a sack (light as a feather, of course) over his shoulder. He'd even fatted his form up especially for this disguise. "Runt, how old are you?"

The girl tilted her head up from where she stood in the doorway. "Seven," she said, as the glittering lights from the Christmas tree danced on her face. "And I'm telling Daddy on you."

"That's nice, run along and do it," Q waved a hand dismissively and looked to the Christmas tree. Little Kathryn Janeway was going to get the shock of her life when she opened her presents and found a phaser... no doubt her father would have a heart attack. With any luck, he'd kill two humans instead of one. Of course, he was messing with an alternate timeline, one of his favourite pasttimes, because he didn't want to undo how the Janeway he knew had affected him. "My, you're as annoying as a squirt as you are as an adult."

Kathy frowned. "What?"

"Mmm, you want to know who I really am?" Q dropped the sack with a heavy thud that contradicted its real mass - he liked screwing with physics - and moved to crouch in front of little Kathryn.

Kathy nodded. In spite of his omnipotence, Q was mystified that she seemed unphased by the fact a stranger, dressed as Santa, had invaded her home.

An idea struck him. If the Janeway he knew could see him now, no doubt she would hate him for this. _All the more reason to do it_! he thought.

"I am!" Q stood up and puffed out his chest. "Your future husband and the father of your children!"

He managed not to cackle at the thought of what the "real" Janeway would think of _that_. It wasn't really a lie. Okay, so, maybe it was. But he was _almost_ the father of her child, surely that counted?

Kathy raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. "I married a dickhead like you?"

Q blanched, and gaped at her. "Young lady, where'd you learn that word?"

"I heard Daddy talking about someone at work - "

"Nice," Q sounded admiring. "Well, in any case, I've come back in time to deliver a present your future self gave you."

Of course, this was also a lie, but he liked screwing with minds.

Kathy looked incredulous. "Isn't that breaking the Temporal Prime Directive?"

Q stared at her. "I thought you were _seven_?"

"Yes, I am."

"Then how'd you know about the bloody directive?"

"Daddy said - "

"Okay, okay," Q waved a hand. "Gee, kid, I'd really like to stay, but - "

"Kathy?" said a male's voice from another room. Kathy looked behind her.

"Daddy?"

"Who's there?"

"It's a man dressed as - " Kathy looked back into the dim living room, lit only by the lights of the Christmas tree.

But nobody was there.

---

Q crossed his legs as he sat on the wall, his Starfleet uniform and demeanor attracting disturbed looks. He'd wanted to go back to when Kathy was four and stand outside the school and stare at children, just to creep the humans out - they were so _fickle_ - but then he thought it would be funner to go ten years into that child's future instead, and trash Starfleet's reputation while he was at it. After all, people were less likely to go batshit insane if you were stalking teenagers instead of children.

Though, that didn't stop the _teenagers_ going batshit insane, he learned the hard way. Turned out, "Kathy dearest" had a phaser. Not legally, but it didn't stop her using it on him when he tried to follow her home.

So much for being a good Starfleet girl.

"Touchy!" he said, when the phaser beam passed straight through. "My, Kathy, violent, aren't we?"

"Kathy" certainly _looked_ violent. He looked at her now and mentally compared the appearance of this Kathryn, and "his" Kathryn. He couldn't have ever imagined _his_ Kathryn wearing multiple piercings, black clothes and white foundation which made her look like a vampire, a cigarette dangling from the corner of her mouth and her hair dyed to complete the image of a juvenile delinquent. Even the phaser matched. "Kathy" straightened up, pocketing the phaser as casually as if it were a pack of cigarettes. She tilted her head, black hair falling from behind her ear as she stood on the wet pavement.

She looked at him for a long moment, then said, "That should have fucking stunned you."

"Mmm," Q couldn't help but beam at her. She was so screwed up, swearing like a sailor and shooting at strangers in broad daylight! He was _beyond_ proud! "Perhaps."

"Who the fucking hell are you, and why the fuck are you fucking following me?"

"Why!" Q clasped his hands together like a rabid fangirl. He kept a tally of swearwords in his head, making a mental note to charge his Kathryn for them when he got bored of this and returned to the original timeline "I'm your future husband."

"Oh my fucking god, not _you_ again, you bastard."

Q blinked. Hadn't he made sure to go into a third timeline? And yet - this girl definitely recognised him. In spite of only seeing him once.

_Then again, Q, my man, you're definitely distinctive. _"I'm sure you have me confused, my girl."

"Oh, I'm sure I damn well don't," Kathryn's hand twitched to her pocket and drew the phaser again in a fluid movement. "You're the bastard who dressed up as fucking _Santa Claus_ when I was seven fucking years old and claimed the same thing you are now. You left _this_ in my damn house," she held up the phaser. "as a motherfucking _Christmas present_. To a damn seven year old! I hid it from my father and kept it. It's come in useful."

Crap.

"What the fuck is going to possess me?" Kathryn stared at him. "You don't even _look_ hot."

In spite of the fact that he was lying again, Q couldn't help but feel offended. "It's my rugged charm and wonderful sense of humour, that's what!" he said, then searched for other qualities humans found appealing. Ah, of course - "Plus, I'm good in bed - "

"I don't want to fucking know," said Kathryn flatly.

"Oooh, you could have me _now_, my charming Kathy - !"

Kathryn set the phaser to kill, and shot him again. Of course, it went through him. Both humanoids pretended not to notice when it hit a bird standing on a railing behind him. "Like _fucking hell_. Go away."

And so Q obliged.

If he charged Kathy a dollar for each swearword, she owed him sixteen bucks. "Hell" didn't count, of course.

Of course, they didn't have money in her timeline. He'd have to fix that.

--

"You're not Santa."

Q frowned, turning around. "Why, Kathy darling, hello!"

The girl at the doorway crossed her arms. "I don't know who you are, or how you know my name," she said. "But you're not Santa."

"He is, actually," said another voice.

"What the - " Q and Kathy looked towards the sofa, where another Q sat. Identical to the first, except in Starfleet uniform and not half as obese.

"What the hell are you doing?" said the first Q.

The second Q sniffed. "I just came back from harrassing her when she's fourteen years old," he said. "I thought I ought to tip you off that she's not very receptive, not to mention extraordinarily violent and has a foul mouth that even _you_ are scared of."

"Do you mind?" the first Q bristled. "I'm trying to frighten the child here!"

"And break her precious Temporal Prime Directive."

"How does she know about that?"

"Daddy - " the child spoke up.

"Her father farts rainbows and pisses beer," said the second Q with a roll of his eyes.

"That's anatomically impossible," Kathy frowned.

Both Qs stared at her.

"So," said the first Q, pretending nothing had happened and turning to the second. "I'm having fun causing temporal paradoxes now, am I?"

The second Q grinned. "That I am."

And he snapped his fingers.

--

"You're not Santa."

Q frowned, turning around. "Why, Kathy darling, hello!"

The girl at the doorway crossed her arms. "I don't know who you are, or how you know my name," she said. "But you're not Santa."

"He is, actually," said another voice.

"What the - " Q and Kathy looked towards the sofa, where another Q sat.

"What the hell are you doing?" said the first Q.

The second Q sniffed. "I just came back from harrassing her when she's fourteen years old," he said. "I thought I ought to tip you off that she's not very receptive, not to mention extraordinarily violent."

"And I just came back from annoying the hell out of one of you," said a third Q. Looking exactly the same as the second.

"Oh, you're _joking_," the second Q looked at him.

"How bored do I _get_?" said the first Q.

"You're breaking the Temporal Prime Directive," said Kathy. The child looked distressed.

The first Q stared at her. "How old are you, runt?"

"Seven," said the last two Qs and Kathy at the same time.

"How does she know about - "

"Daddy dearest," said the other Qs.

The first Q looked at them. "Stop that, that's creepy."

"Okay," said the third Q, then snapped his fingers.

--

The girl at the doorway crossed her arms. "I don't know who you are, or how you know my name," she said. "But you're not Santa."

"He is, actually," said another voice.

"What the - " Q and Kathy looked towards the sofa, where another Q sat.

"What the hell are you doing?" said the first Q.

The second Q sniffed. "I just came back from harrassing her when she's fourteen years old," he said. "I thought I ought to tip you off that she's not very receptive, not to mention extraordinarily violent."

"And I just came back from annoying the hell out of one of you," said a third Q.

"And I think this is bloody hilarious," said a fourth.

"Deja vu," grunted the third.

"Am I bored or what?" said the second.

"Before you ask," said the fourth to the first. "The answers are 'seven years old' and 'Daddy told her'."

"You guys," said Kathy. "Are definitely not Santa."

"Yes we are!" said the third indignantly.

"Actually," said the second. "I am, but he's not," he gestured at the fourth.

"Kathy?" said a male voice from another room. "What's - "

The voice vanished when the fourth Q snapped his fingers.

The fourth Q said, "I was wondering when he'd wake up."

The third Q said, "Where did you put him?"

"Antarctica."

"But I was going to turn him into an amoeba!" said the second Q.

"I don't remember planning that!" said the third Q.

"Well, it's a paradox, really," said the fourth Q.

"It breaks the brain a bit," said the second.

"You don't _have_ a brain!" said the third and fourth.

"Hey!" said the first and second.

"Really," said the fourth. "Since I'm here distracting you all, plainly I haven't yet gone back in time again to appear here, so really, I'm not real."

"How does that work?" said Kathy.

"I think he's joking," said the third.

"Seriously joking," agreed the fourth.

The first Q said, "I just spoiled my own night, three times over."

"Believe me," said the fourth Q. "It was very, very entertaining."

Then a flash of white light came, and suddenly, the room was crowded with Q Juniors.

"Hi," said one Junior.

The third Q stared at him. "Junior, what the hell are you - "

"I don't think I want to know," said the second Q. "Do you want me to turn you into an amoeba?"

"No," said the third. "_I'm_ turning them _all_ into amoebas!"

A second Junior said, "I thought I'd join in."

"For some family fun," added a third.

All four Q seniors sighed.

"You," said Kathy. "Are definitely not Santa either."

"She's a genius," said the second Junior.

"Quite remarkable," said a fourth.

"Oh, shut up," said all the seniors.

"I like you," said Kathy. "Can I marry you instead?"

The Qs looked at each other. "How'd she know about that?"

"Sorry," said the seven-year-old, her face a picture of innocence. "Temporal Prime Directive."


End file.
